I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
