At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
