So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
