why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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