I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
