I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
