I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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