My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
