Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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