There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize