I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
