If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I am available for nakedness
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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