my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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