So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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