you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm passing your future prison.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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