Your mouth is God's brothel.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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