I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
