If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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