So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
