What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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