i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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