Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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