The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
