Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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