I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I am midnight drunk by noon
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize