Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
