You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm at about main and main street
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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