I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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