I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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