My Higher Power is John Stamos
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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