I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
