Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
