Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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