my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
