the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
