Do you still have your period?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
