Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
