I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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