my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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