Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize