the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
