It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
