I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
