Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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