Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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