News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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