The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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