Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
