it's too hot outside to masturbate.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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