My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
