I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
