Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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