this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
