She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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