I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
