did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
