I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
your thong is hanging out like whoa
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize