my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
