the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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