I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
