i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
