Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
