i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
