this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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