All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
