I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
